Belief without a corresponding behaviour is a sterile thing

How did I arrive here so quickly? There isn't much time left to finesse "the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit".  I Peter 3:4. Today's blog will underscore that thought.

All of life is a test.  ...but you knew that. We have been given every resource from the vast storehouse of God's grace and truth to conquer the tests of fear, vengefulness, repaying evil with evil, professional victimization or phariseeism (I am recalling with tongue-in-cheek the title of a book "I am a Recovering Pharisee"). Won 't it be wonderful in Heaven not to have to struggle with assessing our motives for whatever we do? I did finally come to the conclusion that, as with Paul in I Corinthians 4:3, I do not have wisdom enough to judge my own motives. ...but I still try. ...in vain. Ted often said, "Even when we give a cup of cold water, our dirty finger dangles in the cup."  I hated it when he said that because I suspected it was true but hoped it wasn't.

...back to today's Email:  ...and even as I quote it, I am struggling with my motives for sharing it with you.  Am I:  1) "repaying evil for evil?" 2) Is there truth in this Email for which the Lord wants me to repent?  3) ... or is Satan trying for the millionth time to hit me where it hurts the most in order to cause me to believe I am so sinful, I have nothing to offer to others?  I do not fully know the answer to any of these questions. I know that this summer I was severely tested twice in the arena of the following stronghold: Have I overcome my childish need to be loved and appreciated by everybody and does that need lead me to 1)hide;  2)avoid;  3)deny? A great deal of my joy was stolen for several months as I "wrestled against principalities and powers in high places" (Ephesians 6:10) over this stronghold that has arisen again and again throughout my lifetime. I remember keenly the day three high school girls called me to say: "You're just a country girl and you do not belong with us in our town. We hate you, so why don't you stay in the country where you belong?" Those words so crushed me that ever since, when someone dismisses or attacks me,  the childhood pain of never feeling I fit anywhere threatens to overwhelm me. That "crushing" caused me to kick into high gear and become an accomplisher, never satisfied unless I gave a perfect performance.  It took years for my Father to reveal and heal that one.

...back to today's Email: "Dear you arrogant self-righteous holly-er-than-thou hippocrite....when you stand before your Jesus I hope he slaps your face and bloodys your nose." (My sick pride hastens to tell you that the spelling isn't mine.)  I have responded to the woman, asking to meet with her and clear up whatever it is that I have done to make her so angry. I truthfully do not know.

The good news is that I am not responding as I did when I was fourteen years old. The bad news is that I am not quite to the place where "I keep no record of wrongs" (I Corinthians 13:5b). That must be what my Lord is at work to perfect in me.

A Chinese friend of mine in Houston used to say: "Our Lord is very economical". Whatever is happening to one of us in the body usually has something to do with a fellow traveller, since "all temptations are common to man" (I Corinthians 10:12) ...so perhaps He can use this potentially crippling experience in my life to give you comfort and encouragement about your own struggles.

...but none of that erases the question: "Does my corresponding behaviour match my belief?" Otherwise, I am a "sounding brass and tinkling cymbal " (I Corinthians 13:1).

                                        HYMN OF THE WEEK: OPEN MY EYES THAT I MAY SEE

Open my eyes that I may see glimpses of truth You have for me
Place in my hands the wonderful key that shall unlock and set me free
Silently now I wait for You; Ready, my God, Your will to do
Open my eyes, illumine me
Spirit divine!

Love, Jo