My struggle with ambiguity

If you can live with ambiguity, well, good for you. I can when the confusion involves someone outside my own family, but as with many of you parents who read this blog, I want to know what my Father is doing in the lives of my children.  Now Ted and our oldest  son are together in Heaven with God and all things have become clearly defined. ... for them. Meanwhile, I struggle with ambiguity.

Ever since Doug suddenly died with cancer a year ago May I have struggled over letting him go. This blog may unnsettle some of you but I always have to take that into account when I write. Who might this one offend? ...those who knew only the funny, generous, creative, risk-taking boy/man who lit up your life: Doug Stone.

God heard my cry as He promises to do in Psalm 40:1 and sent my second son, Jeff, from Sacramento to talk to me this week.  I have been so conflicted that I have despaired of willingly continuing to live. Jeff knew his brother from birth. I have suspected all these years that Jeff watched the results of Doug's failed attempts to live for two masters and made the decision to  honestly examine  his core beliefs and live completely for Jesus. I remember with clarity the morning Jeff told Ted and me: "I've figured it out.  I have been reading Ecclesiastes. Only a few things last: God, His Word and people. I am changing my major from Engineering to Psychology so I can help people know God and His Word." ...and that decision has opened ministry to probably thousands by now. His dad and I made that decision at 20 years old, right after we both came to know God personally through Christ. It cost us both of our families and the financial and emotional support they might have given us through the rest of our lives. ...but we had a black and white decision to make: serve Him completely or not at all.

...back to the main subject for today. In case you have not understood it, here it is: "How do we live with unresolved issues after the one who has caused us nearly unbearable pain leaves forever?" My greatest enemy has been, of course, Satan who whispers into my ear: "Doug's duplicity was your fault. You were a terrible mother. You put the ministry before your son. He felt neglected. He was insecure  in the Father's love and you are responsible for that". Add to that a hundred or more accusations that have chipped away at my peace nearly all of Doug's life. ...and death.

Question: Why would I allow my childrens' choices to define my "O.K.-ness" with God? My Biblical mind knows not to do that but my mother-emotions can't seem to square with God's Truth.  As I am reading and studying through the Old Testament, every mother's and dad's agonies over their childrens' half-hearted committment to the Lordship of Christ hits my soul like a lightning bolt.  I know that the peace God promises me is contained in believing His Word, but nothing sabotages the belief in His promises like a child's attempt to live their life without Christ at the helm of their boat.

Truth: Doug desperately wanted to be around family, but each time he showed up in the place where Ted and I were called to serve our Lord, he caused confusion and pain, and in part, the loss of two pastorates.  Was God's sovereignty made more real to us through these terrible circumstances? Of course. ...eventually. Does God's sovereignty kick in for anyone immediately? I don't know. ...but not for me. Nothing "kicks in" for me immediately.

Doug's presence was always mixed with fun, adventure and admiration for his brilliance as an athlete, custom home builder and trainer of countless children in sports and flying,  He never believed he was brilliant even though his dad and I told him countless times how much we celebrated his unbelievable abilities and endurance.  His mansions on this mountain are showplaces, and he designed them all without any formal education. He was an All-American twice in the sport of wrestling and is showcased in the Sports Hall of Fame at Humboldt State University. We knew that he compared himself to others all his life and there was nothing we could do to alter his faulty thinking, no matter how hard we tried.

At the end of Doug's life, son Jeff sent him to one of the most well-known counsellors in America. This man is an old friend of Ted's and mine.  Trustworthy counsellors never reveal information our clients give us. Knowing this gave me weeks of pause before I called this dear man and asked him just two questions, knowing that he had the privilege of answering neither. My questions: Did Doug repent? ...to which he answered an emphatic "Yes".  The second question was: "Is he in Heaven?" ...to which he answered a second emphatic "Yes". Nothing else really matters, but that truth has not been completely embraced by my Mother's heart. ...until now.

Doug spent the last few weeks of his life studying his dad's Bible. He was dying, and he knew it. He had been living on thirty or forty Advil for months but had told no one but his brother, Jeff,  who immediately sent him to a specialist . It was confirmed that every organ except his brain was riddled with cancer. Three weeks prior to this diagnosis, Doug hiked from our valley floor to his castle in the sky at the top of Bear Mountain, an unbelievable feat for any man, but for a man whose body was wracked with cancer? That was Doug. ...a relentless fighter. ...but Doug, deep inside, was an angry man. The casual friend (and he had hundreds) would never have known that, but we in the family and some others knew it.   My comfort lies in the fact that he is no longer angry. He is at peace with the Lord whom he desired to know, but stopped short of laying down his human efforts to know God intimately.   He was always discerning about the phoney Christian men he met who, alas, are in every church and community. He allowed them to drive his anger deeper into his soul, but did not let that anger drive him to God's Word. ...until a few weeks before he died. I was not privy to any of his change in attitude in those few weeks, and that hurts,  but my son, Jeff, has told me, for Doug confided in Jeff.

Doug signed a Mother's Day card that Jeff brought to me, signed by both of them. Jeff's message: "Dear Mom. We do love you so much. Jeff." Right next to Jeff's message is Doug's: "Love you Mom. Doug."  That card will remain on my refrigerator door until I am taken Home. Doug asked that I meet Jeff, Carla, Robin and him for dinner at the Mulligan Room a week before he died. Both men were wearing their dad's handed-down "Jesus Sandals". We chuckled together at the sight. ...two brothers wanting to fill those sandals. Less than a week later, the cancer hit the last organ: his heart, ... and he was suddenly transported by Jesus into Peace. Forever.

Out of all the verses in scripture that mention "house", I have chosen this one to close off this week's blog: "Unless the Lord build the house, its builders labor in vain." Psalm 127:1. Somehow Ted and I understood that right out of the chute at twenty years of age. We had no mentors, no classes about marriage in eight years of training for "full-time work", no books to guide us, no nothin' except one verse that kept us flat on our faces before the Lord, begging Him to show us how to build our house on only Him. ...and now I am alone in this house.  ...but not really. My Lord and I are closer than ever. My Lord-loving daughter and  husband and my granddaughter are at the top of the mountain and tend to my every need if I tell them what they are.  I am surrounded by people I love and who love me.

Into my life comes a steady stream of teenagers and younger-than-I people who ask for guidance in their relationships with God and others.  Last week my Father graced me by giving me a front-row seat to the most powerful show on earth: the first wonder-filled steps of a week-old Christian. ...a young woman who came to me because of the influence of my son Doug in her father-in-law's life years ago. Conclusion: I can't figure out anything that God is doing, even after He has done it.

     HYMN OF THE WEEK (somewhat unknown): IF YOU WILL ONLY LET GOD GUIDE YOU

If you will only let God guide you and hope in Him through all your ways
He'll give you strength whatever happens and take you through the evil days
Who trusts in God's unchanging love builds on the Rock that cannot move.

Love,

Jo